I must pull myself together,
this is a brand new day.
Pull myself away from my mistakes.
Pull myself together,
it’s time to let the waves,
just take me,
pull me away.
-The Rocket Summer

I’ve been absent and I apologize. I’ve been in my head a lot lately, which is what I do when I’m stressed out, and I only come up for air when I have to.

Things with the Hot Mess are now over. Just as quickly as she entered my life, she’s left and moved on.  You know upfront that you can’t keep a girl like the Hot Mess, but you always hope you’re the exception.

“Yeah, I’m done talking to you right now,” she sneered. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. It was about nothing. It was the kind of fight that you create just to fight.

“We’re not done talking about this,” I explained. “I mean, I guess we can talk more when I pick you up in an hour or so.”

“Yeah, about that,” she answered, taking long irritated pauses between words. “I don’t think you should come anymore.”

“Why?”

“It’s just not a good idea. I’m done talking to you right now. Bye.” I pressed my ear to my cellphone, forcing silence into my ears. I didn’t call her back and she didn’t call me. A few nights later, Otter called me in a panic, saying the Hot Mess was at the same bar as him and she was all over another girl.  I wasn’t upset, just mildly irritated, and consciously decided it was time to move on and make better decisions in my love life.

I think I should get one stupid I-really-know-better mistake per year. I have unfortunately used mine up already and it’s only February, so I’d better be making better choices for the rest of 2010.

No Comments » Posted: February 21st 2010
Filed under: The Bad

Details are getting finalized at work and it looks like I’ll be moving to LA in April of this year. When I moved back to Hawaii from DC in summer of 2007, I was pissed to be back. I wasn’t ready to settle back in Hawaii, but suddenly here I was, creating a new routine for myself. Since theEx and I are no longer together, nothing holds really holds me here. This opportunity to move for my job could not have come at a better time and yet, I’m sad that I’m leaving again so soon.

I’ve been feeling a bit distant since my plans for moving were set in motion, like I had left a little part of me back in LA. The other day while looking at airfare prices, I thought of Autumn and close-mouthed smile. I texted her while still at work, “Guess who’s coming to town next month to look for an apartment?”

“Santa Claus?”

“Yes, and he’s bringing me along too.”

“Yay! I can’t wait. I’ll show you all the good places–like Compton ”

“Great. Remind me to bring my bullet-proof vest.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

I called her after I finished work, while sitting in traffic on the way home. “So I’m thinking of coming in early March,” I told her.

“I’m so excited,” she replied.  “Is that weird?”

“Not at all. I’m excited too.”

I liked thinking about Autumn and I liked thinking how she might fit into my life in LA.

No Comments » Posted: January 30th 2010
Filed under: The Good
Tagged In: autumn, LA, LA state of mind

I shouldn’t be surprised that JD Salinger died. After all, he was 91 years old. When I told a friend of mine that he had died, she said, “Really? I thought he was dead alredy.” I think this is the first “celebrity” that I actually feel sad about. I mean, I feel sad when anyone dies and having so many celebrities that I grew up watching (eg Michael Jackson) pass away was a strange feeling. But JD Salinger, he’s in his own category. “The Catcher in the Rye” is the only book I’ll read over and over again. It’s the only book that I can flip to any page and just start from there. It is my favorite book, the reason I started writing, and it’s weird to think that he’s gone now.

Most of my teen years and even sometimes now, I feel like Holden Caulfield. In high school, we read “The Catcher in the Rye” in English class. Our teacher would assign us parts to read and we’d read the book aloud in class. On most days, he’d ask me read as Holden and told me later I reminded him of him. I took this as a compliment and on most days, I still do. Years later when I mentioned that, one of my college professors said it wasn’t actually a compliment. I could see her reasoning, but even now I disagree.

To me, Holden Caulfield represented the voice of a generation. He was far from perfect, still emotionally immature for his age, but you felt connected to him. And years later, I still do. “The Catcher in the Rye” was the reason I started writing. Salinger helped me find my voice, my style.

3 Comments » Posted: January 28th 2010
Filed under: Random Thoughts

For the past two weeks I’ve been waking up at 3:30am feeling anxious, as though I’ve forgotten to do something important. I’ll tear through my apartment, half-asleep, trying to scratch an itch in my brain that I just can’t reach. I’ll check that the stove is off and then press on my front door to make sure that it’s locked properly. Feeling unsatisfied, I’ll sort my mail into two piles: bills I have to pay now and bills I really have to pay now. Reminders of my financial irresponsibility flood my tired mind until I feel overwhelmed and nauseous.   The sun peeks its way through my blinds before I feel completely defeated, like I should head back to bed. The last thought that enters my head before drifting back off to sleep is always: when am I going to start feeling like an adult?

The stalker-y powers of Facebook have revealed that a fair number of my classmates have children now. I see album after album of their pudgy-faced child, uncomfortable at the fact that these little people look like them.  They all look happy, proud that they can add “having a child” to their life’s scrapbook.

I see my classmates, people that I sat next to in school for years, and wonder if I’m supposed to be where they are.  I’ve never been one to want to be like everyone else, but am I missing the current on something we should be pulled in by? Should I be swept up by thoughts of marriage (or rather civil unions, in some states) and babies?

I’m too much of a wreck to even think about another person, let alone a little person who would be solely relying on me. For everything. My poor crazy cat relies on me and that’s enough. I live paycheck to paycheck in an apartment I rarely clean and can barely afford. Sometimes if I have to choose between rationing out my money for the week and buying something pretty, I’ll buy the pretty thing with no sense of guilt or remorse later.  I only know how to cook about five different dishes and they are all breakfast food.

I don’t feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be by 26. Wherever that is.

6 Comments » Posted: January 24th 2010
Filed under: My Life is Strange
Tagged In: anxiety, insomnia, not in a rush to have babies, quarter life crisis

Reading all the stories on various news sites this morning (like the one I posted above) broke my heart.  I’m all kinds of broke right now (my SLR broke and is at the repair shop right now), but I knew I had to donate something.  2010, as I’ve said, is about putting positive energy out there and the people in Haiti certainly need us to send some positive energy (in whichever form you choose) their way.

NPR has posted a listing of various charities you can donate to. Not a full listing, but definitely something to get you started. Go look here.

I chose to donate to the American Red Cross and it seriously only took 2 minutes to do.  All you have to do is select “Donate Now” from the front page and select “INTERNATIONAL RESPONSE FUND“.

If you’re not near a computer, you can actually donate via text message! The State Department’s DipNote blog writes that “for those interesting in helping immediately, simply text ‘HAITI’ to ‘90999′ and a donation of $10 will be given automatically to the Red Cross to help with relief efforts, charged to your cell phone bill. For more information, read the Red Cross’ press release on it.

Skip buying lunch today and donate that $10 to the charity of your choice.

No Comments » Posted: January 13th 2010
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tagged In: american red cross, crisis, haiti, skip lunch and donate instead