The other day Ashley told me she could never see me having a one night stand. I’m not sure how it even came up or if it was meant to be an insult or a compliment.  She’s back in my life again and we’re co-existing again in this weird limbo. We’ve been here a thousand times before, so I rarely question it. I just hold on to the moments that she’s here because I know she’ll be to the wind again soon.

“Why not?” I asked. I pressed my phone against my ear, anxious to hear her answer.

“You think too much,” she said. “You would worry too much about everything.”

“That’s not true,” I protested.

“Well, have you ever had one?”

“Of course.” Despite my adamance on the matter, my  mental catalog of one night stands came up surprisingly empty. There was a girl I met in my early twenties, but then I remembered I saw her three times afterwards because I couldn’t scoop up my clothes quick enough in the morning. I’m pretty sure she also dragged me to her little brother’s first birthday party.  “Okay well, maybe not.”

“Yeah, I knew it,” she said. “It’s not a bad thing. I’m just saying.”

After we got off the phone, my thoughts went to Autumn.  We hadn’t talked for months, but I thought about her from time to time when I discovered something new in Los Angeles. It reminded me of my first months here and the excitement of experiencing something for the first time. I remembered the way she looked in the morning: beautiful, even in my tacky hotel room. I didn’t want to get on with my life.

I thumbed through my contacts–Autumn. I texted her, and without waiting for a response, decided to take a walk and leave my phone at home.

No Comments » Posted: June 13th 2011
Filed under: Random Thoughts
Tagged In: ashley, autumn, one night stands

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don’t you remember?
Don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more.
-Adele

In my everyday life, I am boring and uninspired. I drive to work each day–I don’t speed or cut people off. I get to work, often with no recollection of how I got there. I write all day here, but it’s not the same. These are not my words. In fact, I barely recognize the sentences when I am finished.

You appear in my life almost as suddenly as you disappear. You are an unmistakable force of nature. You are the few minutes after waking up from a wonderful dream, snuggled in bed, keeping perfectly still in hopes of holding on to the memory a little longer.

You awaken something in me, a part of me that sleeps through my daily life, and I suddenly feel compelled to write everything down. I string together poetry in your name, garland hung on display.

No Comments » Posted: May 26th 2011
Filed under: My Life is Strange
Tagged In: adele, don't you remember, love you always

I had this dream last night where some bratty kid stole (and subsequently lost) my camera. I was on my way to see a movie when it happened and when I realized what he had done, I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and made him lead me around the mall to find my beloved camera. At one point, we were cornered by a group of gang members and in an effort to protect the kid, I pushed him away to get out of there and grabbed a nearby chair to defend myself. The “thugs” laughed and one of them threw his blade at my face (which I ducked, thankfully).

One of them asked if they should kill me and the other replied, “Nah, we’re in public.”

I asked, “Why are you doing this? I haven’t done anything to you.”

To which they replied, “So? why not? Do we need a reason?”

“Why would you want to hurt someone who didn’t do anything to you?” I asked. “And even if they did, why would you want to retaliate if they apologized? And what can’t be solved through talking it out?”

I woke up thinking several things. 1) Do not eat ice cream before bed, apparently it gives you weird dreams. 2) Do not read the LA news before bed, that’s probably why I dreamt of “thugs”. 3) Why can’t I have dreams about flying and eating candy plants like in Willy Wonka?  Sheesh.

At the core of my dream, I was wrestling with issues of emotional responsibility and how people treat others. Sometimes I think I worry too much about how I interact with someone, very careful not to hurt or offend them. I’m not very sure if it’s a cultural thing? Many Asian cultures focus on making the least waves in relationships or maybe this is just my personality.

I’ve dated some not-so-nice women and likewise, I know I’m not perfect. I do my best to take responsibility in my relationships and I go out of my way to protect the people I care about, even those I’m not in relationships with anymore.  It seems like such a strange concept to me. To hurt someone, just because you have the ability to do so.

After unintentionally irritating an ex, she told me,”Sometimes I want to hurt you–just because I can.”

What about all of you? Where do you think you fall on this topic?

3 Comments » Posted: May 7th 2011
Filed under: Random Thoughts
Tagged In: dreams, emotional responsibility, no more ice cream before bed

I have been in LA for a year now. One year of fighting traffic on the 405. One year of still having no concept of direction or distance. One year of exploring the city. One year of adventures and mis-adventures. I find myself thinking about Autumn on days like these where I am reflecting on my journey in LA.  I will always associate her with everything exciting about Los Angeles and starting over.

Anyway, despite all the douchey-ness associated with this place, I will admit there is something kind of magical about being here.  I’m not sure if it’s because the studios are nearby or if because people here will casually mention they’re in publishing or film, but it makes me hope beyond all reason that I might get my big break one day.

I want to be something extraordinary and I often wonder if this is normal. Most of my friends seem pretty content with their lives and their accomplishments.  They are in committed relationships, with good paying jobs, and enjoy the routine of their adult lives. I never tell them that I feel eternally restless.  It makes me feel so cliché, like the slacker ambivalence of a 20 something in a Zach Braff movie.

Tell me I’m not the only one who wants to be something more.

2 Comments » Posted: May 2nd 2011
Filed under: My Life is Strange
Tagged In: anniversary, LA, los angeles, quarter life crisis

And I am a writer, writer of fictions.
I am the heart that you call home.
And I’ve written pages upon pages.
Trying to rid you from my bones.
-The Decemberists

My life has a revolving door of people who constantly come and go. If there’s anything that my parents’ divorce taught me, it’s how to protect my heart. It’s not that I don’t invest time and effort into my relationships (I’m quite the opposite, really), I’ve just learned to not be so devastated when people leave.  That being said, I’m still someone who ends up loving people forever.

It’s been months since Ashley and I have talked. The last time we did, we got into a huge argument. We basically have variations of the same argument, followed by months (sometimes even years) of not talking. My level-headed nature puzzles her, so she goes out of her way to upset me, almost in the same way children upset their parents to test their love.  It happens like clockwork every time.

“Why don’t you ever allow yourself to get mad at me?” she said.

I pressed my ear against the phone as hard as I could. “What are you talking about? I’m mad at you right now.”

“But you always talk yourself down from feeling anything negative,” she added. “I’m done talking to you.”

Before I could really get in a word in, before I could yell into the phone, she hung up. I called back with no response and then I knew she was gone. Disappeared into the wind again.

She’s on my mind again now, which I realize happens when my head begins to clutter. It’s funny how we think of certain people when our heads feel like a mess.

4 Comments » Posted: February 23rd 2011
Filed under: Random Thoughts
Tagged In: ashley, let me go, love feels like forever