I’m writing this long overdue entry from my new apartment in LA. I’m still adjusting to my new place and getting used to the heavy footsteps of my upstairs neighbor. Back home, I rarely heard my neighbors, only the children racing down the hallway to the elevator. But here, I hear everything and I’m afraid everyone can hear me. The walls are so thin that I even hate talking on the phone at night, for fear that my neighbors will judge my conversations.

This morning I had my headphones on, listening to the same song over and over again while trying to write. I faintly heard a strange gurgling sound, but I assumed it was the neighbor’s washing machine. It wasn’t until I noticed my cat frozen in place, staring intently in the kitchen, that I slipped off my headphones and went over to investigate. I looked out the living room window first to see if I could see my elderly neighbors lugging bloated mesh bags of laundry back to their units. But then the gurgling happened again and I turned to see that it was coming from my sink.

My sink, my barely used beautiful double sink, was now filled with dirty brown water and bubbling up from the drain. I ran the garbage disposal, which sucked down the water in one sink, only to re-fill up again and gurgle loudly as if to give me the middle finger.  The maintenance guy came in the late afternoon, by which time the sinks had both drained, and left a thick residue and leftover noodles (not mine, so gross) along its walls. He explained to me that my neighbors above me probably clogged the mainline. I’m not used to that: upstairs neighbors that send their leftovers through the pipes and into my sinks. Plural.

There are two things, however, that I really love about my apartment.  First, the fact that this is a pet-friendly building. Chompers is able to run around without me shushing her, I can buy all the over-sized cat furniture I want without having to sneak it in, and I don’t have to hide her in a reusable Sam’s Club bag whenever I have to take her to the vet.  Second, and this is the most important, is the fact that this place feels so unfamiliar. The problem with my old apartment and with Hawaii in general was that it was too familiar, making it hard for me to focus. But here, it’s easier to write for a few hours without interruption.

It feels like I’ve been magically lifted out of my old life and placed somewhere new and exciting. As I watch my cat pace back and forth curiously on the kitchen counter, I realize we’re both experiencing our lives through new eyes.

Comments Posted: April 24th 2010
Filed under: Random Thoughts
Tagged In: LA doesn't feel like home, new beginnings, not so fresh start, settling in

I must pull myself together,
this is a brand new day.
Pull myself away from my mistakes.
Pull myself together,
it’s time to let the waves,
just take me,
pull me away.
-The Rocket Summer

I’ve been absent and I apologize. I’ve been in my head a lot lately, which is what I do when I’m stressed out, and I only come up for air when I have to.

Things with the Hot Mess are now over. Just as quickly as she entered my life, she’s left and moved on.  You know upfront that you can’t keep a girl like the Hot Mess, but you always hope you’re the exception.

“Yeah, I’m done talking to you right now,” she sneered. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. It was about nothing. It was the kind of fight that you create just to fight.

“We’re not done talking about this,” I explained. “I mean, I guess we can talk more when I pick you up in an hour or so.”

“Yeah, about that,” she answered, taking long irritated pauses between words. “I don’t think you should come anymore.”

“Why?”

“It’s just not a good idea. I’m done talking to you right now. Bye.” I pressed my ear to my cellphone, forcing silence into my ears. I didn’t call her back and she didn’t call me. A few nights later, Otter called me in a panic, saying the Hot Mess was at the same bar as him and she was all over another girl.  I wasn’t upset, just mildly irritated, and consciously decided it was time to move on and make better decisions in my love life.

I think I should get one stupid I-really-know-better mistake per year. I have unfortunately used mine up already and it’s only February, so I’d better be making better choices for the rest of 2010.

Comments Posted: February 21st 2010
Filed under: The Bad

Details are getting finalized at work and it looks like I’ll be moving to LA in April of this year. When I moved back to Hawaii from DC in summer of 2007, I was pissed to be back. I wasn’t ready to settle back in Hawaii, but suddenly here I was, creating a new routine for myself. Since theEx and I are no longer together, nothing holds really holds me here. This opportunity to move for my job could not have come at a better time and yet, I’m sad that I’m leaving again so soon.

I’ve been feeling a bit distant since my plans for moving were set in motion, like I had left a little part of me back in LA. The other day while looking at airfare prices, I thought of Autumn and close-mouthed smile. I texted her while still at work, “Guess who’s coming to town next month to look for an apartment?”

“Santa Claus?”

“Yes, and he’s bringing me along too.”

“Yay! I can’t wait. I’ll show you all the good places–like Compton ”

“Great. Remind me to bring my bullet-proof vest.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

I called her after I finished work, while sitting in traffic on the way home. “So I’m thinking of coming in early March,” I told her.

“I’m so excited,” she replied.  “Is that weird?”

“Not at all. I’m excited too.”

I liked thinking about Autumn and I liked thinking how she might fit into my life in LA.

Comments Posted: January 30th 2010
Filed under: The Good
Tagged In: autumn, LA, LA state of mind

I shouldn’t be surprised that JD Salinger died. After all, he was 91 years old. When I told a friend of mine that he had died, she said, “Really? I thought he was dead alredy.” I think this is the first “celebrity” that I actually feel sad about. I mean, I feel sad when anyone dies and having so many celebrities that I grew up watching (eg Michael Jackson) pass away was a strange feeling. But JD Salinger, he’s in his own category. “The Catcher in the Rye” is the only book I’ll read over and over again. It’s the only book that I can flip to any page and just start from there. It is my favorite book, the reason I started writing, and it’s weird to think that he’s gone now.

Most of my teen years and even sometimes now, I feel like Holden Caulfield. In high school, we read “The Catcher in the Rye” in English class. Our teacher would assign us parts to read and we’d read the book aloud in class. On most days, he’d ask me read as Holden and told me later I reminded him of him. I took this as a compliment and on most days, I still do. Years later when I mentioned that, one of my college professors said it wasn’t actually a compliment. I could see her reasoning, but even now I disagree.

To me, Holden Caulfield represented the voice of a generation. He was far from perfect, still emotionally immature for his age, but you felt connected to him. And years later, I still do. “The Catcher in the Rye” was the reason I started writing. Salinger helped me find my voice, my style.

Comments Posted: January 28th 2010
Filed under: Random Thoughts

For the past two weeks I’ve been waking up at 3:30am feeling anxious, as though I’ve forgotten to do something important. I’ll tear through my apartment, half-asleep, trying to scratch an itch in my brain that I just can’t reach. I’ll check that the stove is off and then press on my front door to make sure that it’s locked properly. Feeling unsatisfied, I’ll sort my mail into two piles: bills I have to pay now and bills I really have to pay now. Reminders of my financial irresponsibility flood my tired mind until I feel overwhelmed and nauseous.   The sun peeks its way through my blinds before I feel completely defeated, like I should head back to bed. The last thought that enters my head before drifting back off to sleep is always: when am I going to start feeling like an adult?

The stalker-y powers of Facebook have revealed that a fair number of my classmates have children now. I see album after album of their pudgy-faced child, uncomfortable at the fact that these little people look like them.  They all look happy, proud that they can add “having a child” to their life’s scrapbook.

I see my classmates, people that I sat next to in school for years, and wonder if I’m supposed to be where they are.  I’ve never been one to want to be like everyone else, but am I missing the current on something we should be pulled in by? Should I be swept up by thoughts of marriage (or rather civil unions, in some states) and babies?

I’m too much of a wreck to even think about another person, let alone a little person who would be solely relying on me. For everything. My poor crazy cat relies on me and that’s enough. I live paycheck to paycheck in an apartment I rarely clean and can barely afford. Sometimes if I have to choose between rationing out my money for the week and buying something pretty, I’ll buy the pretty thing with no sense of guilt or remorse later.  I only know how to cook about five different dishes and they are all breakfast food.

I don’t feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be by 26. Wherever that is.

Comments Posted: January 24th 2010
Filed under: My Life is Strange
Tagged In: anxiety, insomnia, not in a rush to have babies, quarter life crisis