Just to Stay in the Corner of Your Heart

“Never recreate from your memory. Always imagine new places.” -Inception

Okay, so I FINALLY saw Inception last night. Everyone has been talking about it non-stop since it came out, but people in LA keep buying up the most of the tickets and leaving only front row seats left every time I have tried to go.  I’m not going to spend this entry gushing over the movie, but I will say that you all should watch it.

There are so many different things to dissect from the movie. In particular, what really resonated with me was the idea of how crippling the memory of someone can be. TheEx appears a lot in my dreams, even though my days are rarely spent thinking about her. I’m not sure how she continually finds her way into them, but it’s at the point where I’m no longer surprised when she’s waiting for me there. The details are always different, but the theme is always the same, we’re still together and I’m trying to fix something, to fix us. I never do what I’m meant to and when I wake up, I always feel like I’ve let myself down. There’s a heaviness that fills my body in these dreams, as if the entire damn ocean was poured down my throat.

I know this feeling isn’t unique (to others and even to myself), but it’s sometimes so overwhelming that I forget I’ve been here before. After many break-ups, I remember feeling stuck, paralyzed by the memories of my exes.  I think there are two types of people in this world–I’m the kind that feel permanently exposed after the end of a relationship. Nothing ever really feels over, there’s always a small part of myself left vulernable. I go on loving people forever, even ridiculous people who were out of my life before I even cared about them.

TheEx falls in to the second category, the one that frustrates and confuses me. She’s put her feelings for me in a tiny shoebox that she keeps under her bed. She never thinks of it, unless her hand accidentally touches the side of the box when she reaches for something else, but even then, I am a fleeting memory, and before the weight of it occurs to her, I am gone.

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Comments Posted: July 23rd 2010
Filed under: Random Thoughts
Tagged In: , , , , ,

  • A strong and thoughtful piece of writing. You really capture that particular feeling and portray it very emotively.
  • I finally saw Inception last night and now all I want to do is watch Memento and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind SIMULTANEOUSLY and drink a glass of heady red wine.

    In Ex-related matters - I seem to fall into the shoebox category. I prefer to think of it as Tabula Rasa. I can assure you the weight is always there, but isn't crushing.

    xo
  • I also wanted to add (just skimmed through your most recent entry and I'll comment there as well) that those I'll-love-someone-forever people aren't necessarily those people who compare their exes constantly with their current partners, although I'm sure there are a bunch that do. For me, at least, it takes me a while to get over someone, so I take my time in relationships and but when I'm a relationship, I'm all in.
  • You know, I've never seen Memento. After seeing your comment (and having all my friends recommend watching it after seeing Inception), I think I will put it on my to-watch list. Maybe on the weekend when I can unwind and my brain doesn't feel like scrambled eggs.

    It actually makes me feel better, strangely enough, to know shoe box people (like yourself) still feel the weight of a past relationship from time to time. It's like, even though we process things differently, it feels nice to know I'm not alone.
  • Hey sugar - I wasn't trying to give you a hard time. ;) I hope you didn't think I was. Each relationship is different, and the way they dissolve can be particularly sticky. I just can't deal with the past face-on all the time and prefer to box it away instead of risking renewed hurt and frustration. There's nothing I can do about the past. Conversely, I have dated those who would fall to pieces at the thought of a former girlfriend and it would make me feel insignificant and like I had to fireman carry a new lover through the mire of their memories. By the time we were through it, I was exhausted and unable to see through the smoke. Don't let your past guide your future. You've just made a big move! :)
  • Oh no no, I didn't think you were at all! I'm sorry, re-reading back my comment I hope it didn't come across as defensive. Reading your comment (and then your entry) got me excited to discuss everything. I was filled with so much to say and it came out a bit...er...spazzy lol My apologies!

    Honestly, I wish I was more of a shoebox person. I'd like to be less affected after a break-up, but I guess the pain is a nice reminder that I'm alive!

    Totally unrelated, but I went to the Renegade Craft Fair this weekend. SO much fun! When is the next UniqueLA? Do you know?
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