For the past two weeks I’ve been waking up at 3:30am feeling anxious, as though I’ve forgotten to do something important. I’ll tear through my apartment, half-asleep, trying to scratch an itch in my brain that I just can’t reach. I’ll check that the stove is off and then press on my front door to make sure that it’s locked properly. Feeling unsatisfied, I’ll sort my mail into two piles: bills I have to pay now and bills I really have to pay now. Reminders of my financial irresponsibility flood my tired mind until I feel overwhelmed and nauseous.   The sun peeks its way through my blinds before I feel completely defeated, like I should head back to bed. The last thought that enters my head before drifting back off to sleep is always: when am I going to start feeling like an adult?

The stalker-y powers of Facebook have revealed that a fair number of my classmates have children now. I see album after album of their pudgy-faced child, uncomfortable at the fact that these little people look like them.  They all look happy, proud that they can add “having a child” to their life’s scrapbook.

I see my classmates, people that I sat next to in school for years, and wonder if I’m supposed to be where they are.  I’ve never been one to want to be like everyone else, but am I missing the current on something we should be pulled in by? Should I be swept up by thoughts of marriage (or rather civil unions, in some states) and babies?

I’m too much of a wreck to even think about another person, let alone a little person who would be solely relying on me. For everything. My poor crazy cat relies on me and that’s enough. I live paycheck to paycheck in an apartment I rarely clean and can barely afford. Sometimes if I have to choose between rationing out my money for the week and buying something pretty, I’ll buy the pretty thing with no sense of guilt or remorse later.  I only know how to cook about five different dishes and they are all breakfast food.

I don’t feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be by 26. Wherever that is.

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6 Comments » Posted: January 24th 2010
Filed under: My Life is Strange
Tagged In: anxiety, insomnia, not in a rush to have babies, quarter life crisis