I’m back in Hawaii, back to work, and all I want to do is escape back to LA.  I almost feel like I’ve just returned from this important and self-exploratory journey, with a renewed sense of my place in the world. LA for me has been this magical experience, reminding me of all the unjaded optimism I had when I was younger. Thinking of Autumn now makes me want to desperately preserve this memory of us and keep it safely tucked away somewhere.

I texted the Hot Mess when I got home from the airport asking what’s up. I spent the first few hours sprawled out on my bed, my suitcase unopened, and my cat curled at my feet.

“Are you free?” The Hot Mess texted me several hours later. “Can we talk? I can come over. Just send me your address.”

“Sure thing,” I answered, “See you soon.”

“Hello?” I was groggy, fumbling with the touchscreen on my phone. The buzzer to my apartment building is connected with my cell phone, since getting a landline seemed too domestic for my taste.

“Hey, it’s me.” Her voice sounded anxious and yet sad.

“I’ll ring you up.”

I thought about straightening up before the Hot Mess came over, but I figured there was no point. I pushed my suitcase out of the doorway and splashed cold water on my face before I heard her knocking. When I opened the door, she seemed skinnier than I remembered. Perhaps I was used to the curves of Autumn’s body.  Although Autumn was just a fling, just about getting wrapped up in a moment, I felt guilty letting the Hot Mess come over. I remembered the quick squeeze she gave me at the airport and I was suddenly overcome with regret.

“Hey stranger,” I said, opening the door. “Come in.”

“Thanks,” she said, slipping off her sandals near the door. “Sorry for coming over last minute like this.”

“It’s fine,” I reassured her.

She walked past me into my nearly empty living room and sat on the oversized (and barely used) couch.  “I have so much to say,” she blurted out. “I don’t know where to start.”

I pulled up a chair from my dinner table and scooted it next to her. “It’s okay. What’s up?”

“When you didn’t text me the other night, I didn’t know what to think,” she finally said. “I thought maybe I had made a huge mistake with you the other night. It’s been really tearing me up.”

“I was actually in LA when you texted me,” I explained.  “I just got back like….a couple of hours ago.”

She seemed surprised and then relieved, as if that were the only reason why I didn’t return her text messages. “Oh, I see. Why were you there?”

“For work,” I answered quickly. “Just for a few days.”

“Maybe I made a mistake,” she said, not even waiting for me to finish my answer.  “Maybe we can try this again?”

Honestly, I had a hard time looking at her.  It hurt to replay our previous conversation in my head now with the information that she slept with her ex soon after.  She was a completely different person to me now, taking up space in my living room and in my life. I got up and sat down next to her on the couch, wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans. The smell of her hair, sweet and intoxicating,  pulled at my stomach when she whipped around to face me.

“Okay,” I managed the push out. But I didn’t mean it–I was somewhere else.

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4 Comments » Posted: December 20th 2009
Filed under: My Life is Strange
Tagged In: autumn, back from LA, let's escape this place, the hot mess