Ghosts
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve been seeing ghosts.
The other day I was at Borders and from the corner of my eye, I thought I saw theEx walking through the fiction section. It’s not that I wanted to see her or anything, I just thought I did. But when I peeked over from where I was standing, I realized it wasn’t her. This has happened to me more than once in the past few weeks and every time I’m wrong, I feel a little like I’ve seen a ghost.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, still on my side of the bed, and I’m suddenly aware of how big this apartment feels when I’m alone.
I know this sounds a little morbid and maybe melodramatic, but it feels a little like she’s died. The other day while cleaning my apartment, I found a box of her checks under a pile of mail. I thought about calling her to let her know, but remembered that I couldn’t (we’re not on speaking terms). I didn’t have the heart to shred and toss her checks, so I put the box on an end table in the living room.
The thing is, I don’t want to get back with her. I know that breaking up was for the best, it just feels as if she’s been suddenly lifted out of my life, only leaving behind a box of checks, an old sleep shirt, and her handwriting on the tab of a folder to keep my car records. It’s a strange and unfamiliar feeling, and when I think about her now, her face is slowly starting to blur.
The only one who seems unphased by these changes is my cat. Perhaps because she’s always been my partner in crime, she never looks behind me for someone else when I come home from work. She sleeps on theEx’s side of the bed as if it were always her side and after I’ve come home, she never waits by the front door for someone else.
I’m grateful for this.
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