“Never recreate from your memory. Always imagine new places.” -Inception

Okay, so I FINALLY saw Inception last night. Everyone has been talking about it non-stop since it came out, but people in LA keep buying up the most of the tickets and leaving only front row seats left every time I have tried to go.  I’m not going to spend this entry gushing over the movie, but I will say that you all should watch it.

There are so many different things to dissect from the movie. In particular, what really resonated with me was the idea of how crippling the memory of someone can be. TheEx appears a lot in my dreams, even though my days are rarely spent thinking about her. I’m not sure how she continually finds her way into them, but it’s at the point where I’m no longer surprised when she’s waiting for me there. The details are always different, but the theme is always the same, we’re still together and I’m trying to fix something, to fix us. I never do what I’m meant to and when I wake up, I always feel like I’ve let myself down. There’s a heaviness that fills my body in these dreams, as if the entire damn ocean was poured down my throat.

I know this feeling isn’t unique (to others and even to myself), but it’s sometimes so overwhelming that I forget I’ve been here before. After many break-ups, I remember feeling stuck, paralyzed by the memories of my exes.  I think there are two types of people in this world–I’m the kind that feel permanently exposed after the end of a relationship. Nothing ever really feels over, there’s always a small part of myself left vulernable. I go on loving people forever, even ridiculous people who were out of my life before I even cared about them.

TheEx falls in to the second category, the one that frustrates and confuses me. She’s put her feelings for me in a tiny shoebox that she keeps under her bed. She never thinks of it, unless her hand accidentally touches the side of the box when she reaches for something else, but even then, I am a fleeting memory, and before the weight of it occurs to her, I am gone.

Comments Posted: July 23rd 2010
Filed under: Random Thoughts
Tagged In: dreams, inception, movie, moving on, never recreate from your memory, theEx

One of the things I loved about DC was their music scene.  I would discover a band, fall in love with their music, and soon after they’d be passing through for a concert.  I never had quite the same luck in Hawaii. Years would pass before a band I loved would play and by then, they’d play at the Waikiki Shell and I’d have to squish next to potheads and kids (or worse, teenage potheads).  The 930 Club was the kind of venue that you rubbed elbows with true fans and other indie kids who often said, “Yeah, I liked so and so before they became popular.” I’m guilty of saying that, I’ll be the first to admit it.  But regardless, the vibe is different at a place like that and the bands that performed were often humbled by the turnout.

I was excited to see what kind of concert possibilities being LA would bring me.  I wasn’t familiar enough with the area to drive to a venue further away than 30 minutes. My sense of direction is poor and really congested areas give me anxiety. Finally, my little igoogle widget told me that the Rescues were playing a show near my zipcode, whatever that meant. I told my friend in Santa Barbara to drive down, bought us two tickets, and prepared myself by listening to all of their available songs until their concert.

The Troubadour is an interesting venue. It reminded me a bit of the 930 club in DC, intimate and historic. You never really get over your first show at the Troubadour if you remember past musicians who have shared the same air as you. The walls of the tiny venue were definitely worn, decorated with staples like a telephone pole with tiny poster edges left behind.

My friends and I had great seats balcony level for Garrison Starr’s set.  When she performed “Beautiful in LA”, it felt like hearing a song you love for the very first time.  It had become sort of my anthem after moving to LA a couple of months ago, so when I heard it live for the first time, it was an amazing feeling.

When the Rescues took stage after Garrison Starr’s set, I could feel the balcony floor rumbling under my feet. There was a surge of energy that pulled me back to one of my first concerts in DC and I was overwhelmed with emotion.  It’s amazing how music can transport you to such specific moments in your life.  As many times as I’ve listened to the Rescues’ studio music and youtube videos (which are fantastic, too), they are so much better live. Their harmonies…they floor you. Each of them separately is such a strong musician and vocalist that when they sing together, you suddenly feel so small, as if tucked away in one of their instruments.  And even cooler, for many of their songs, they’d rotate positions and play a different instrument.

After the show, I let myself get swept up in the sea of people leaving the Troubadour. With the Rescues’ newest album in hand, I ripped off the plastic before even reaching my car, and then listened to it at the highest volume possible for the long drive home.

Comments Posted: July 11th 2010
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tagged In: 930 club, DC, garrison starr, grey's anatomy, LA adventures, live music, los angeles, the rescues, the troubadour

Sometimes I find it hard to believe I’m here, in LA. I wake up some mornings, still disoriented, and go through the day feeling like I’m on a very long vacation. Then on other mornings, I wake up happy with all the newness that comes with moving to a new place. It’s been hectic trying to settle in. But  I finally have most of my furniture, so I don’t have to sit on the carpet and eat on the floor anymore.

A few weeks ago, I heard about the Thrilling Adventure and Supernatural Suspense Hour randomly from a celebrity on twitter (guess twitter is useful!).  After being here for the past two months, I’ve already grown tired of the small talk and bars that define Los Angeles nightlife. I wanted something more than alcohol and overpriced watery drinks, so I decided to see what this Thrilling Adventure was all about. I had never been to Largo at the Coronet before (the venue) and at first, was uneasy about going to the show because I didn’t know where it was.  I forced my poor friend to come with me two hours before show time to make sure we’d get there with plenty of time to spare.

While waiting, we sat together in this tiny side room with tall chairs and small tables. In the corner, I noticed an upright piano with a framed picture of Elliott Smith above it, fingering those same keys at a concert there nearly ten years. I imagined the great musicians and actors that might have walked through that same room and felt special somehow.

The theater was just the perfect size. I heard the show was sold out and some people were turned away, but we had great seats only four rows from the stage.  That was the most celebrities I’ve ever seen in real life. But best of all, I got to see Nathan Fillion, tall and hilarious, just as I had imagined. To see all those great actors completely engulfed in their characters and having so much fun, inspired me to write later that night, just because I had forgotten how good it felt to put my entire self in to something.

After the show, I found my way home without using the GPS and the anxiety that usually comes with driving somewhere new.

Maybe I am finally falling in love with this strange, new city.

Comments Posted: June 9th 2010
Filed under: My Life is Strange
Tagged In: LA, largo at the coronet, los angeles, settling in, the thrilling adventure, the thrilling adventure and supernatural suspense hour, this could be home

I’m writing this long overdue entry from my new apartment in LA. I’m still adjusting to my new place and getting used to the heavy footsteps of my upstairs neighbor. Back home, I rarely heard my neighbors, only the children racing down the hallway to the elevator. But here, I hear everything and I’m afraid everyone can hear me. The walls are so thin that I even hate talking on the phone at night, for fear that my neighbors will judge my conversations.

This morning I had my headphones on, listening to the same song over and over again while trying to write. I faintly heard a strange gurgling sound, but I assumed it was the neighbor’s washing machine. It wasn’t until I noticed my cat frozen in place, staring intently in the kitchen, that I slipped off my headphones and went over to investigate. I looked out the living room window first to see if I could see my elderly neighbors lugging bloated mesh bags of laundry back to their units. But then the gurgling happened again and I turned to see that it was coming from my sink.

My sink, my barely used beautiful double sink, was now filled with dirty brown water and bubbling up from the drain. I ran the garbage disposal, which sucked down the water in one sink, only to re-fill up again and gurgle loudly as if to give me the middle finger.  The maintenance guy came in the late afternoon, by which time the sinks had both drained, and left a thick residue and leftover noodles (not mine, so gross) along its walls. He explained to me that my neighbors above me probably clogged the mainline. I’m not used to that: upstairs neighbors that send their leftovers through the pipes and into my sinks. Plural.

There are two things, however, that I really love about my apartment.  First, the fact that this is a pet-friendly building. Chompers is able to run around without me shushing her, I can buy all the over-sized cat furniture I want without having to sneak it in, and I don’t have to hide her in a reusable Sam’s Club bag whenever I have to take her to the vet.  Second, and this is the most important, is the fact that this place feels so unfamiliar. The problem with my old apartment and with Hawaii in general was that it was too familiar, making it hard for me to focus. But here, it’s easier to write for a few hours without interruption.

It feels like I’ve been magically lifted out of my old life and placed somewhere new and exciting. As I watch my cat pace back and forth curiously on the kitchen counter, I realize we’re both experiencing our lives through new eyes.

Comments Posted: April 24th 2010
Filed under: Random Thoughts
Tagged In: LA doesn't feel like home, new beginnings, not so fresh start, settling in

I must pull myself together,
this is a brand new day.
Pull myself away from my mistakes.
Pull myself together,
it’s time to let the waves,
just take me,
pull me away.
-The Rocket Summer

I’ve been absent and I apologize. I’ve been in my head a lot lately, which is what I do when I’m stressed out, and I only come up for air when I have to.

Things with the Hot Mess are now over. Just as quickly as she entered my life, she’s left and moved on.  You know upfront that you can’t keep a girl like the Hot Mess, but you always hope you’re the exception.

“Yeah, I’m done talking to you right now,” she sneered. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. It was about nothing. It was the kind of fight that you create just to fight.

“We’re not done talking about this,” I explained. “I mean, I guess we can talk more when I pick you up in an hour or so.”

“Yeah, about that,” she answered, taking long irritated pauses between words. “I don’t think you should come anymore.”

“Why?”

“It’s just not a good idea. I’m done talking to you right now. Bye.” I pressed my ear to my cellphone, forcing silence into my ears. I didn’t call her back and she didn’t call me. A few nights later, Otter called me in a panic, saying the Hot Mess was at the same bar as him and she was all over another girl.  I wasn’t upset, just mildly irritated, and consciously decided it was time to move on and make better decisions in my love life.

I think I should get one stupid I-really-know-better mistake per year. I have unfortunately used mine up already and it’s only February, so I’d better be making better choices for the rest of 2010.

Comments Posted: February 21st 2010
Filed under: The Bad